I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize