tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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