I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize