she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
