How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
last night I used snow as a chaser
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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