Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
