My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
