I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
