Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
