I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
