you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
