Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
