I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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