We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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