Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
