im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
