Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
