Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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