No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
