If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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