college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
