At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
