I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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