Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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