apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
