Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
