He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
