I bet he comes in French.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
