I'm really into asian looking animals
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize