the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
