I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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