you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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