I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Randomize
