I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
