life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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