my mouth tastes like poor choices
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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