I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
