one word: firstdatebathroomanal
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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