I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
