Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
