you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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