You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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