those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
