My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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