Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
