dude i'm inner monologue high
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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