I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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