Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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