Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
