Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
