and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize