it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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