yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
