Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
