Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
